Sunday, March 22, 2009

I just finished watching this week's episode of Grey's Anatomy. I'm alone in my dark bedroom at the end of a happy day. I have (or will have) what I want: a lead in a play this summer; a good paying job so I can move away in August; my AA in May; the beginning of a journalism career; a (physically) healthy family; so much more.
That theme song, though, the little quirky beeps and the lady's haunting voice "Nobody knows..." reminds me of my life a year ago, of dark quiet nights in this bedroom, watching that show, fearing that I will forever be alone because one man, one boy, decided I wasn't good enough. And it still hurts, to feel that rejection all over again, to feel it only because a few bars of a melody reminded me of it.
But I'm okay. I'm happy. I have a full day ahead of me and full days ensure me that I am not empty, that people in places need me to be there, that they will notice that the spot I sit in is empty or that the lull in coversation is a moment I would fill with a question about someone else's weekend, or a subtle joke about the teacher, or the guy outside with... ya know, the hair. Or I would mention the way I just embarrassed myself by singing that song about birds from Broadway really badly, really off key when I thought no one was looking.
I have two stories for the Star Banner, which makes me happy.
I have a guy who wants to hang out with me, which makes me happy and scared. Scared because even though I'm happy, I'm happy because I feel good enough in my little bubble of family and friends. Other people still have the power to make me feel not good enough. And that sucks.
I'm working on it though.
I'm still a work in progress.
Amanda 2.0... still only 1.4. But tomorrow is a chance for 1.5.